How to Talk to Parents About Student Behavior in Pre-K and K

Introduction

Communicating about behaviors in the early childhood classroom doesn’t have to be scary, contentious, or negative. When teachers, parents, and students can all come together toward a common goal, the whole process operates more smoothly.

An Example Conversation Between a Teacher and a Parent

Consider this conversation between Ms. Richardson, a kindergarten teacher, and Ms. Harris, the parent of a student in her class:

Ms. Richardson: Hi, Ms. Harris. I was just calling to tell you about a situation that happened today involving Trevor.

Ms. Harris: Okay, what happened?

Ms. Richardson: Well, he got upset at a classmate at the art center and ripped up that student’s artwork. When I asked him to make things right with the other student, he called me “stupid.”

Ms. Harris: That just doesn’t sound like him! Is there something else that might have made him mad today?

Ms. Richardson: No, he does this pretty often actually. I think you should talk to him at home about it.

Ms. Harris: I will, thanks.

What do you think? Was this conversation good, bad, or in-between? Was it productive? Will it help Ms. Richardson and Ms. Harris understand Trevor’s behavior and improve it?

Now, let’s reimagine the teacher-parent communication that is built on mutual respect and trust:

Ms. Richardson: Hi, Ms. Harris. I just wanted to have a quick chat about how Trevor has been doing in class lately! Are you available to talk for a few minutes?

Ms. Harris: Sure!

Ms. Richardson: Well, Trevor usually seems to be enjoying himself at school! He always loves coming to small groups with me, especially if any art projects are involved! I did notice that he can get kind of frustrated when he doesn’t do something perfectly on the first try, though. Have you noticed that at home?

Ms. Harris: Oh yes, he can be quick to get angry if he “messes up” his pictures. I try to tell him that it’s okay and that he is still just learning, and sometimes we take deep breaths to calm down before we try again.

Ms. Richardson: I’ve been noticing that at school as well. Today, actually, another student told him he colored outside the lines on his picture, and he crumpled it up and then ripped the other student’s paper. I tried having him apologize later, but he wasn’t willing to. I told him I would have to speak with you about it.

Ms. Harris: Wow! That is not okay. I’ll definitely speak to him about respecting others’ things this evening. Is he doing okay in class otherwise?

Ms. Richardson: Yes, he usually is pretty friendly and plays with others well at the sand table and dramatic play center. I’ll try some of your ideas next time too. I just wanted to let you know what happened!

Ms. Harris: I’m glad to hear that. Thanks for calling, I’ll check in again later this week to see if he’s doing any better!

Ms. Richardson: Sounds good, we will talk soon!

This time, the conversation between the parent and early childhood teacher was more detailed, took on a more neutral tone, and ended with an established plan going forward. It’s likely that both the parent and teacher ended the conversation feeling like they were part of the same team.

Teachers Find Communicating About Student Behavior Challenging

In the teacher-parent relationship, children’s behavior in the classroom can be one of the most challenging topics to communicate about.

Buchanan and Buchanan (2017) note that while teachers are expected to work closely with families, many are not adequately prepared for these interactions—especially when conversations become challenging. In these situations, it’s easy for either side to feel misunderstood or defensive. Teachers might feel like parents doubt their classroom management skills, and parents sometimes feel like a teacher simply doesn’t like their child.

Most of the time, when everyone takes a step back, it becomes clear that both parents and teachers ultimately want the child to succeed in the classroom. But, it takes mutual respect and understanding to communicate effectively and then manage students’ behavior.

The following sections break down how concise, clear and positive communication from the teacher and support staff shapes teacher-parent relationships and builds trust.

Start Behavior Communication Early With Parents

Since COVID-19, student behavioral issues have been on the rise, as reported both statistically by research such as the 2024 Pew Research (about 80% of teachers report an increase in academic and student behavioral issues) and informally by many teachers in peer groups and on social media. In this context, reaching out to parents to partner around student behavior that correlates with academic success is of great importance. Early childhood is the optimal time to begin these conversations and start building positive teacher-parent partnerships.

Reach Out Early with Warm and Positive Communication

In the first few weeks of the school year, it is important that educators reach out to parents to have a quick, positive chat about their student. Ensuring that the first direct communication about students is positive, goal-oriented, and establishes a willingness to collaborate sets the framework for communication about behavior for the remainder of the school year.

Request Parents to Provide Information on Their Child

Providing a detailed “Getting to Know You” form to parents at the start of the year can also be helpful. Consider providing the form in a digital format to make the submission faster. Thoughtfully answering questions about your child’s temperament, likes and dislikes, and home life can shed important light on your child’s behavior at school and help teachers respond to their individual needs.

Invite Families to the Classroom

Reach out to families and make them know that they are valued participants in Back-to-School Night where families can introduce themselves and meet you in person. Learn more about reducing barriers to parent attendance at school events.

How to Keep Parents Updated About Behavior

Continue with Personal Updates

Teachers often keep parents in the loop on what is happening in their classrooms through updates to their Classroom news, periodic newsletters or weekly emails. It’s important for teachers also to take time to update parents with a more personal message, once a week or every other week, to communicate about their students specifically. If you have a large class, split the students into groups and send a message to one set of parents on Mondays, the next set on Tuesdays, etc. Encourage parents to communicate by letting them know that you value their input and appreciate them wanting to be on the same page with them regarding their child’s behavior at school. 

Include Positive Feedback in Behavior Conversations

Reaching out to parents to relay a positive story about their child goes a long way. Strive to share three positive things for every one negative thing you have to say. Finding something positive in each day also helps your morale.

Involve Students to Reflect on Their Own Behavior and Conduct

Conversations about student behavior take place often between the teacher and parents. Teacher or parent reports a concern, and the student may be heard separately, with the parent relaying what the student said, or the teacher describing how the student behaved. While these conversations are important for touching base and creating a mutual understanding of any issue or concern, it is very beneficial to actively involve students in the conversations and to provide them with tools to understand their own behavior.

Parent-teacher conferences are an opportunity to check the student’s perspective on their behavior. The teacher might ask the student, prior to the conferences, to reflect on their day and identify a challenging situation.

The reflection may happen through a short conversation with the teacher. Older elementary students may complete a simple reflection sheet. Student-led conferences also allow an opportunity to discuss goal-setting in person.

Based on any identified challenge, the adults and the student can work together to set a small, realistic goal. For example, a student might express that they want to listen more carefully during circle time or remember to raise their hand before speaking. Teachers and parents can then discuss which strategies might help the student succeed and how to encourage progress at school and at home.

Hands-on SEL curricula are generally evidence-based and used to support positive character building and to reduce behavioral issues. These lessons may be integrated for all students, school-wide, or provided to special education programs. For instance, students with a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) or an Individualized Education Program (IEP) may practice specific self-regulation strategies under guidance from teachers or support staff.

What Is Typical vs. Concerning Behavior in Early Childhood

Typical behavior in Pre-K and Kindergarten falls on a spectrum, with some overarching goals: students in this age group are building their attention spans, learning to regulate emotions (both positive and negative), and developing prosocial skills such as conflict resolution and cooperation.

For many children, these behaviors are in a state of flux–some children may not have a lot of experiences with peers prior to attending school, and it takes some time and explicit teaching to develop strategies they need to regulate their feelings and emotions.

As the school year progresses, educators expect to see growth and change, such as taking a deep breath, using their words to resolve a conflict, or seeking help from adults in a conflict situation, rather than showing aggression or yelling.

Children are moving from parallel and associative play to cooperative play, which requires them to begin sharing, listening to others, and working together.

Children should improve their ability to listen and sit still during explicit teaching and learning activities, with attention spans lengthening over the course of the year. Educators should not expect perfection in every situation, but they should see positive progress over time.

In contrast, educators might feel concerned if they see little to no progress in these areas over the course of the Pre-K or Kindergarten years, especially if this begins to affect children’s ability to learn on pace or develop positive relationships with their peers. At this point, educators should reach out to parents to explain what they’re seeing and collaborate on strategies to implement.

When Should Teachers Communicate With Parents About Concerning Behavior?

An educator needs to discuss behavior with parents if it begins affecting other students, either their safety or their ability to learn. Behavior that makes any student feel unsafe in the classroom needs to be addressed immediately to preserve an effective learning environment. Disruptive behavior, especially repeated or patterned behaviors, should be further assessed to identify antecedents and the needs behind the behavior, to effectively address it.

Teachers should contact parents when the student behavior,

• Affects other students
• Happens repeatedly
• Disrupts learning, both for self and others
• Raises safety concerns
• Shows a pattern

If the classroom teacher has already been in communication with parents with positive information early in the year, the first instance of communication should not negatively impact the teacher-parent relationship.

Communication About Behavioral Challenges

Begin With Observations

When a teacher notices that a child’s behavior patterns are changing or becoming more negative, they should first take the time to observe more. Consider whether biological factors, such as a bad night of sleep or hunger, might be affecting the student’s behavior first.

If those situations are ruled out, an educator should reach out to the parents and frame the first communication as noticing: “I’ve noticed for the past couple of days that Kennedy is having trouble paying attention during circle time. She’s been lying on the carpet and not wanting to participate.”

Educators should give clear examples of what they observed, and then ask parents for any possible background information: “Did she sleep okay last night?” or “Have you noticed her acting differently at home too?”

Educators should invite parents to share their perspectives, encourage them to check in with their child at home, and express a willingness to follow up with any updates.

How to Use an ABC Chart to Document Behavior for Deeper Understanding 

Download the ABC Behavior Chart Template (.xls file)

An ABC chart is a tool for observing and documenting behavior patterns in three key parts: the antecedent, behavior, and consequence. 

• Antecedent: This is what happened immediately before the behavior occurred, including environmental factors or interactions with others
• Behavior: The behavior, like hitting, throwing, eloping, or refusal, should be noted as objectively as possible, and may include brief quotes.
• Consequence: This is the outcome, either positive or negative, that was achieved by exhibiting the behavior. “Positive” consequences could include achieving a reward, gaining attention, or avoiding an unwanted task. “Negative” consequences might look like losing access to a preferred toy or a friend seeking another playmate as a result of the behavior.

The goal of an ABC chart is to gain a deeper understanding of the function of the behavior–what purpose it might be serving for the child. Are they seeking out connection or trying to meet a sensory need? What are they trying to communicate?

When we better understand the function of a behavior, we can identify potential triggers and find the best strategies for addressing the behavior.

The chart helps the teacher better understand what might be leading to the behavior and anything that might help prevent or reduce the behavior. This documentation can also be shared with the parent so that they can better understand what is happening at school and how it affects their child’s learning.

Download the ABC Behavior Chart Template (.xls file)

Focus on Supporting Families

If the child’s behavior has begun to deviate from what they would expect, teachers can dig deeper with families to determine how behavior at school compares to that in other environments, discuss strategies that seem to work, and set goals to help the child be more successful.

At this time, it is important to set guidelines for future communication about the child’s behavior, including how an educator will communicate and how often.

For instance, an educator might plan to message the parent every Friday with an update on the child’s behavior that week, and with suggestions for supporting behavior at home.

If behaviors do not improve after trying several strategies, then the next steps might involve looping in a behavior specialist, counselor, or school psychologist for further evaluation.

How to Email / Message Parent About Student Behavior

Perhaps the most important message you will send about a child’s behavior is the first one, which sets the tone for all other communication. A key misstep is framing this message in a judgmental way that doesn’t communicate a belief that the child wants to be and can be more successful in the future. Approaching parents in this way feels more like assigning blame and communicates a lack of faith in the child’s ability to grow.

Instead, the first message should be framed as an observation of what you’ve noticed about their child’s behavior in the classroom.

A helpful approach is to structure the email message in five parts: start with a positive, describe your observation, ask for the parent’s input, emphasize the importance of partnership, and make it clear how to communicate and follow-up with you.

1. Start With a Positive

Begin by recognizing something the student is doing well. This signals that the teacher sees the child as a whole person, not just through the lens of a problem. Example: “Lucas brings a lot of enthusiasm during our classroom activities, and he enjoys participating in group play.”

2. Focus on Sharing Observations Rather Than Conclusions

Describe what happened in neutral, factual language rather than assigning motives or labels. Example: “During group work this week, I noticed Emma leaving her table several times and interrupt other groups while they were working.”

3. Invite The Parent’s Point of View

Parents often have insight into what may be affecting a child’s behavior. Request their point of view and knowledge. Example: “Have you noticed similar behavior at home?”

4. Emphasize Teacher-Parent Partnershsip

Use trust-building language such as “we”, “together”, and “partnering” to emphasize that you value the relationship with the family, and want to understand their point of view. 

5. Provide a Clear Way to Follow Up

End with an invitation to continue the conversation and work together. Example: “Please feel free to reply to this email. I’m also available for a quick chat after school, if you’d like to talk about this in person, just let me know!”

Example Email Template

Subject: Quick classroom update about Lucas

Hello Mrs. Smith,

Lucas brings a lot of enthusiasm during our classroom activities, and he enjoys participating in group play.

I wanted to share a small observation from the center time this week. I noticed Lucas becoming frustrated during a turn-taking activity. He pushed another student while the student was using a toy he wanted. We talked together about using words to ask for a turn and practiced taking turns during play.

We will continue working on these skills in class. Have you noticed similar frustrations at home? Would you have any strategies to share that help Lucas manage his frustrations during those moments? 

Thank you so much for partnering with me to support Lucas!

Please feel free to reply to this email. I’m also available for a quick chat after school, if you’d like to talk about this in person, just let me know!

Thank you,

Ms. Harris

How to Respond When Parents Feel Defensive

If parents respond to communication about behavior with defensiveness, it is likely because they feel the behavior reflects poorly on their parenting or because the teacher simply doesn’t like their child. This is why it is so important for educators to have that positive touchpoint at the beginning of the year to build rapport.

Parents may feel surprised by their child’s behavior in school, especially because children often act differently in different environments and under different social pressures–for instance, a child without siblings at home may struggle more with social interactions and skills like sharing.

The best way to address defensiveness is to reassure parents that behavior is communication, not a reflection of the “goodness” of their child. Educators can emphasize that they are united in wanting the student to be successful, both socially and academically, and that addressing behavior is a way to ensure that.

Inviting parents to share any context from other environments, like home or extracurricular activities, or any strategies that seem to work for them, can also help them feel that educators value their expertise with their own child.

Acknowledge the parent’s perspective

• I understand your perspective, and I appreciate you sharing that with me.
• Thank you for taking the time to respond and explain what you’re seeing at home.
  
  

Focus on the student’s academic and social success

• My goal is to support [child’s name].
• I want to help [child’s name] continue to do well and feel confident.
• If you have strategies that work at home, I’d be glad to see if similar would work here in the classroom.
  
  

Adjust the communication approach if needed

• We can also connect briefly in person or by phone to talk this through together.
  
  

Approaching conversations about behavior in a measured way, leaving behind any frustration with the situation, helps parents feel united with educators in seeking what is best for the student. Remember: the way that you communicate about behavior not only impacts a family’s willingness to work with you this year, but also how they will respond to other educators throughout the rest of their child’s school years.

Use Consistent Language and Shared Strategies Across Home and School

When teachers and parents collaborate and share a common language when discussing early childhood student behavior, it helps children understand that there is consistency across environments. For instance, if a child is struggling with hitting others when they are frustrated, parents and teachers might use the common phrasing, “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit others.”

Teachers and parents might also collaborate on a set of strategies to use when behaviors arise. This might look like taking special, deep breaths, like “belly breaths” or “rainbow breaths.” You might also allow a child to use a common fidget, like a stress ball or other sensory toy, to release frustrated energy. This means that the child will always have access to the tools that help them, whether at school or at home!

For students, consistent language and strategies help build trust. Parents can even extend this to figures of authority in extracurricular activities by talking to coaches, music instructors, etc., about how to address any behaviors that may arise there.

Parents’ Rights to Request Support for Student Behavior

Let’s switch the point of view, and examine the communication around behavior from the parent’s point of view.

Public school parents have the right to request support for their child when they are concerned about the child’s behavior in school and how it’s affecting their ability to learn. Parents don’t need a diagnosis on hand; their concern is enough to get the process started.

Getting Multi-tiered System of Support (MTSS)

Parents may have heard of Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) that support students with disabilities. Parents should be informed that in early childhood phases, requesting a formal evaluation and obtaining an IEP are typically not the first steps.

Many public schools use a framework called MTSS, which stands for multi-tiered system of support. Parents can request support for their child, and schools may provide this support through an MTSS framework based on the student’s needs. Note that because MTSS is a framework and not a federally mandated program, how it is implemented and communicated can vary by district.

In general, Tier 1 provides regular classroom support; Tier 2 provides small-group support and more frequent monitoring; and Tier 3 provides more intensive support.

For more structured student support for academics and social-emotional behavioral learning, additional staff may also become involved and communicate with parents. This support team may include special education teachers, paraprofessionals, counselors, or other specialists who work directly with the student throughout the school day.

Because MTSS is a framework, and not a legal requirement, information about structured support may be available on district websites. Lewisville ISD in Texas explains the MTSS framework clearly to parents. However, not all districts call the provided support a MTSS, and parents may need to reach out to teachers and administrators for specific information.

How Parents Request a Formal Evaluation for Special Education

In early childhood classrooms, IEPs are less common than general classroom supports, but they play an important role when a child needs more individualized help to succeed.

If behavior concerns continue, public school parents have the right to request a formal evaluation for special education eligibility.

Some school districts provide a formal form or template for requesting an evaluation, but a simple written request—such as an email—is enough to begin the process. See an example of an email template provided by the ASK Research Center.

Once parents have submitted their request, the school must respond within a defined timeline (varies by state). The school must either move forward with the evaluation (with parent consent) or provide a written explanation if they decline.

Teachers can support parents through the process by sharing classroom observations and explaining what has been tried, while school specialists provide more detailed information about the evaluation and eligibility process. However, special education is a large landscape with specialized services that come with complex names and acronyms; parent support is needed to guide families in this area. It’s not hard to understand how local advocacy organizations, such as these listed in the California Department of General Services, have been born to support parents’ needs to navigate the special education space.

Access to Early Childhood Special Education (ESCE)

School districts are required to provide Early Childhood Special Education (ESCE) under federal special education law, Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

The services are designed for young children, ages 3–5, who need additional support before entering kindergarten.

The ESCE services take place in a preschool classroom, a specialized early childhood setting, or through targeted services such as speech or occupational therapy.

Eligibility is determined through an evaluation process, and if a child qualifies, an IEP is developed.

Who Attends the IEP Planning Meeting

The review of the results of an evaluation for an IEP takes place in a team meeting that includes parents, a teacher, a special education teacher or a specialist, and a school administrator or district representative. The team also includes professionals who interpret and support the evaluation, such as a school psychologist, a diagnostician, and related service providers (e.g., a speech-language pathologist, occupational therapist, or counselor).

The meeting is held at school, though virtual meetings are also possible. The team reviews the evaluation results, determines eligibility for special education, and, if the student qualifies, develops an Individualized Education Program (IEP).

Build Trust and Mutual Respect Through Professionalism

The most important and effective way to promote early childhood students’ positive behavior is to establish open lines of communication and mutual respect between everyone involved.

Parents must trust the teachers’ expertise and show that they value their efforts in the classroom. Teachers should acknowledge that parents know their children at a core level and love them unconditionally.

Teachers and parents must demonstrate to students that they care for and believe in them. And students must believe in themselves and feel empowered to do their best daily. When you have mutual respect and understanding, every interaction can be more productive.

Beyond the parent-teacher partnership, districts and schools need to communicate clearly and concisely about the available support systems in place, and how parents can request additional support for their child either under the MTSS framework or under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

By proactively letting families know about these support structures and services, help families trust that there is a system in place for their child, and professionals who care.